"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be." - Psalm 139:13-16 (NIV)

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Lately at church we've been learning a lot about change, how to respond to it versus reacting to it and how change is inevitable, etc. So, I'm sitting here, thinking about how my babies are growing up. I was just thinking......next week Mason goes to his doctor's appointment at Shriner's hospital and the doctor & occupational therapist will probably start discussing the possibility of getting a "helper" hand or prosthetic hand. Well, honestly, I don't know how I feel about this........I guess it depends on my little buddy and what he wants to do. Does a 3year old little boy know what he wants to do? How will he adjust to the change? How do I teach him to respond in a positive way rather than reacting to it? If daddy and I decide to go that route, are we teaching him that it's not acceptable to just leave him be,  the way God made him? Change is inevitable right?! 
In thinking of all this, I remember on Sunday morning, during praise & worship service, there were a few kids there sitting behind us. They've been to our church before, several times actually, but apparently these little ones never noticed Mason's limb difference prior to this day. Anyway, as my eyes are closed and I'm enjoying the service, I feel my little guy pushing in front of me in the pew. I look down at him and he's hiding in front of my legs from the kids behind us. I look down at him, then I look back to see who he was "playing" with. Then he did it again. I looked down again......ok, he's not playing. He's literally hiding. So I knelt down and said, "what's the matter Buddy, what are you doing?" He says in his most soft and timid voice, "they're looking at me."  Every time I look back to see if the kids were looking, talking or laughing, -they were looking up at me. I didn't notice any snickering or pointing from the brother sister team of about 4 or 5 kids so I didn't know what to think. All I know is how I feel when someone is looking at me constantly and how uncomfortable it can be. I know it bothers me when someone looks at the scar on my chin or anything else that makes me self-conscious. I simply hugged my son and told him it was ok and kissed him on the cheek. This seem to set it all well in his world. (Somehow mommy's have the power to make it all better at this age) He was happy again and wanted to color in his coloring book beside his Tootie (Madison). OK, so will this future possible "change" help him or hinder him? Will getting a helper hand/ prosthetic help him in the long run or will he depend on it? I don't want him to have it for cosmetic reasons.....just so he'll look similar to everyone else or just so he'll feel like he fits in....... or do I? I want it all for him, all the tools and resources he wants and needs......BUT, I want to teach him to EMBRACE his difference, and make others feel comfortable doing the same.

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